Sometimes I actually think that I might just be doing okay- that maybe things are not as bad as they use to be. I have always thought there was so much wrong with me because I an so depressed and regretful, I really don't have/want any close friends, and I am completely uncomfortable in social situations- very impulsive etc...I could go on and on but won't.

So then I got into this place- a comfort zone- where I have just tried to ignore those things. Highs and lows but nothing long-lasting. Part of me thought that this was my gradual understanding of myself- increased coping skills- getting older etc. But none of that seems really true. I am doing better because I have isolated myself, have no job, and have limited contact with people.

Yesterday I ventured out to try to do some xmas things ahead of time, since it will be busy soon with my kids coming home. Even though I tried to avoid the usual xmas bad scenes for people, it was a nightmare. My head was spinning. I was flailing- a completely unorganized, anxiety ridden overwhelmed and distressed basketcase. And no, I wasn't even standing in long limes or traffic. Very small decisions were making me crazy. I was talking to myself all day going "WTH is wrong with me?!" I just wanted to be home.

I was so glad to walk in my door and see my cats. But then I am faced with the need-to- do- something- worthwhile- I- am- a- complete- loser- I- have- wasted- my- life- no- one- likes- me- I am- ugly- and- old- and- fat state of mind, but it someone seemed a better place to be, a better alternative to how I felt earliier in the day.

Yeah, ok, I think isolation is better for me. I guess, but maybe it's not. Or maybe it is. I am not good at finding balance of any kind.