Yellowrose,

You're right... this coaster ride does subside over time. I find that over time, the length of time I'm down and the depths of the downs aren't as bad. Still... I really long to get back to "me." I don't hate myself, I just don't find life all that exciting or enjoyable any longer. The black holes you talk about usually only last a few hours or a day right now and then I bounce back. But when I bounce back, life is just... not a lot to brag about or anything to look forward to.

Maybe it's just me. But there's only so much self-comforting/self-spoiling you can do and not feel the loneliness. Even after all of this time, I really miss the marriage and the family thing. Not good I think especially since we've been apart almost two years now, and for the year before that.. life was pure hell anyway. I just keep remembering what we used to have and really miss it.

It sounds almost silly to be grieving after all of this time.

Oh well... I'm not unhappy most of the time, I just am not happy. Kind of like I'm living in a gray zone and I hate this. Sometimes I resent even that I have to rebuild my life in every area now... I never wanted to be here in my 40s!

I'm throwing a pity party, so I'll just go off and find something to occupy myself with I guess...