Last week was really difficult. In therapy I got very anxious and I left very out of control. The stress and anxiety level did not reduce for a significant period of time. Over the weekend I became really angry at my therapist for triggering such a horrific stressful time for me and then leaving me to deal with it all on my own.

But I think I could have dealt with that it that was the only problem. But the worst part came when I went into the therapy room today and she didn't say anything to indicate that she understood things had been hard for me, as like always the only thing she said was 'where do you want to start?'. That was incrediably painful because i felt as though she didn't seem bothered and/or acknowledge how hard I've been struggling to cope this weekend. It provoked me into a bit of a temper tantrum which I admit wasn't very adult-like but I get so sick of feeling so much pain and letting her walk all over me with her misunderstandings. She eventually did say sorry for unintentionally hurting me last week but I tried to tell her, i didn't need an apology as such, just some inkling of understanding. She said she had sat in silence after my semi-rant (which is an irritating reaction when you finish and provoked yet another rant...vicious cycle etc) because she didn't have the words....I understand that because sometimes I don't have words either but I need her to have words, i feel she should be able to help me find them not be in the same position herself! Plus she didn't seem to understand that sitting there in the silence pretty much screamed at me that she wasn't or couldn't hear me.

I don't know how to feel. I understand, on some level, that feeling pain like this is a step in the right direction but I'm so tired of continuing with it all. My life isn't moving forward, if anything I feel very stuck and....it hurts a lot to think about that. I know there is only so much she can do for me, I know that this is part and parcel of the process, and I know that being able to talk to someone is a good start.......but I feel so dreadfully alone and although I try and tell her this, and I feel on some level she does hear me (at times), I don't think she is able to fully understand how hard this is.

I feel really lost and alone. Tbh there are many, many times when I do not want to go to therapy because I end up feeling more stressed out that I did when I went in. E.g. like last week, I was already very anxious but when I left I felt anxious, angry, alone, lost, desperate, afraid. How is that progress?

I don't know....sometimes I feel as though I'm talking and she doesn't quite hear me. For a long time I felt I was saying the wrong words, or when I said the right words they didn't match up to how I looked or I didn't say them quite right or something.....but now I don't know what to think...perhaps I'm wanting more than can ever be given in reality....

I'm tired of struggling, of being left to cope on my own again and again....and now soon we have the pleasures of Christmas to remind me of everything I really really would rather forget about and my therapist will be gone and I will be alone. Maybe that is for the best, maybe the pain I feel when I'm not heard will reduce when I stopped trying.