I called her Thursday saying I am depressed which I practically NEVER am and I cry at nothing and then am okay ... We'd tried seroquel a month ago for this and I was allergic. I feel okay but I'm crying. Its annoying.

So they upped ativan dose and that's been a lifesaver, really. The thing is, I am so stressed because of my mother that my temperature goes up! She is a grade-A B* And she does everything in her power to be controlling, nasty and mean. And if anyone dares talk back to her she gets worse. I suggested we do therapy but she said evil-ly and emphatically with the devil in her eye, "I will NEVER do therapy!!!"

So yes ask me why I still live with her. Well I can't support myself. But Lately I am trying to work things out with my ex so he can have the kids and I can maybe rent a room somewhere. Social security is a joke. And proving that she is abusive when I'm 38 is also a joke. She even told me today that forget it she wasn't helping with gifts for the kids - even though she said she would. She just wrote an email and dropped this coldly on me. She said she was going to only give what she gives to my sister's kids. Fine. But a week before xmas is a little jerky. And my sister has money. This is all beside the point because all this is a power trip to her. If she is not in 100% control of what everyone says does or wears, she gets evil. And I'm the one on meds so I don't freak out and actually go find a shovel. Yes, I called the PER. Yes I was that upset. No that is not me. Yes this was days ago and I am on ativan and instructions to call PER again if I need to before Thursday which is my next PDoc appointment.

She wants to change my meds. To what?? I'm on lithium. I'm on ativan. I can't take any of the antipsychotics- allergic or other bad side effects to all!

I think the logical answer is that I move- but I've been told that by so many people and unless someone wants to be my roomie I just can't afford it. No waiting list or shelter is going to do. They have YEARS to wait. And I can't say I am being abused although I am my 3 kids are because how do you prove it- especially when you're my age and should just get a freaking life already?

Well that's all. Had to vent. And no I can't "get out of there now"- Its cold. ITs snowy. I have nowhere to go. Ativan is my favorite respite. And I do have lots of friends. And believe me- I take all the time I can away from this place and I take my kids too. She quizes me on what I've done for MY kids and then gets evil on me if I dare talk back as if to say "Stop being rediculous. I can take care of my own kids."

Ok. / Rant