((((Abby))))

Thank you for posting and I validate how you feel. I just left my t's office and I feel so much hurt and loss right now. But my t helped me today to understand that my feelings of him not understanding or feeling anyone can or that they really care many times comes from myself.

I so many times cannot put into words how I feel or what it is that is really getting to me. I know it hurts and I feel so alone and thoughts are constant for me. I can sit and write and write for hours and even in that I tell myself I do not understand why I feel this way or where all these feelings are coming from.

If I cannot really understand or know why I have all these feelings and where they all are and even though I try so hard to explain yet it seems the words that I feel do not come out when I try to talk about it. Fear steps in and blocks out so much for me.

But he tries to understand and it is hard for him to get it when I do not get it. I know that maybe I am not saying this the way I am trying to get it out and I am in no way blaming you or myself it is just that so many times there were and are no words that can explain what this is for us and what it does to us.

It is true I do not understand all my own feelings or why they are there I just know they are. The constant feelings of ending it yet not knowing why I feel this way or where they are coming from so I do not know how to tell him except that the feelings are there.

They are real and they are important and I try to tell him yet in my own mind I am not sure of the why's or how's. Being so afraid of getting too close to anyone for fear of abandonment, hurt, expectations, and the many other things that are there.

He asked me to bring in my writing and to talk about it and maybe it would help him understand and maybe even myself. I know that I write and write but I cannot go back and read what is there. Maybe it is fear of the unknown or the ability to connect there and what it means but it is where I think a lot of feelings and understanding may lie.

I know it is hard and many times I leave therapy hurting so bad and needing someone to understand but yet I pull away afraid of rejection or no one understanding. I have to carry it through the week and my feelings are so deep that it scares me.

Walking through the memories and pain is part of healing. The only way out is through and it is so hard. I really hear you and understand. Do you journal at all and can you share that with your t? Maybe that would help her to understand more of what you are feeling.

Sometimes sitting in front of someone stops thoughts for me out of fear or doubt that they will understand or just the idea of is this right or am I out there for feeling this way? Or maybe the fact of what it is that I have to tell and face and the fear envelopes me all over again.

The fact of being told it never happened or it was my fault, or I asked for it----makes me hold back thinking that he or those I trust will feel the same way and it is too hard and painful to go there.

As a child I could never have feelings and no emotions. If I did it would cost me, so I learned to push them away and bury them. I did not know I had feelings and emotions until over the past few months. So it is hard to even connect at times for myself. If I cannot connect how can I express them to anyone so that they understand.

I do hope you will continue to go to therapy. As hard as it is you are doing the right thing and the hard stuff. If you do not go then you are left to still carrying it because it will still be there. I know it is a hard thing and a long road we walk, but you are not alone. I do appreciate what you said and I can connect there with you.

I am really sorry you are feeling so alone and hurting, I do get it and I am listening. I validate how you are feeling and I know how real it is. Please know that I care and am here for you. Take care of you, you are important and how you feel is important. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps