LOL - theodora :-)

Well - UGGGGGGGGGGG!! The stupid weather is going to make roads icy Wed afternoon and my S/O does not want me to be on the roads and my manager is going to send me home at lunch so I will not be on the roads when the freezing rain is supposed to hit us. So I had to send my T an email just now to cancel session Wed !!!! UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGG !!!!

I needed to see him. But the universe doesn't want me to for some reason.
I feel myself just shutting down with the emotions. I have not seen my T since last Monday - the longest I ever went I think. And it feels like I am mad at myself for ever starting to see him... it is like I don't want to go back now but feel a sense of being lost but now I just got to take care of myself yet again.

That feels like it is a younger part too. It is like a certainty of "I knew they weren't comming home. Now I just have to figure out how to survive all this!" That makes me want to cry and yet be mad at the same time. I forgot about some of that stuff when I would expect my parents to come home from late night dog track race. Hoping they would hurry home so I could see them but each car doesnt pull into the driveway and I can't go home.... next door I am..

Oh yeppers... ok that tapped it. That was while being at the house of the older girl who CSA on me when I had to sleep over at her house when I was 2 1/2 yrs old.
My feeling is really needing to just be safe but parents are just not there. And I feel like I am trying to figure out how to just be strong without them. I feel anger too - and a sense that I dont ever want to see them again as long as I live. I feel like I have to take care of myself but I don't know how and that makes me mad too. So I just am left with a feeling of just trying to figure out what I am going to do next just to escape more being hurt.

Not too sure why weather changing session plans caused this to come up but thanks for listening.