(((((((zoo))))))!!!!

For me, the WORST FEELING IN THERAPY is when T and I are just missing each other. No matter how bad things are, or how awful I feel, if I know that T hears me and gets it, it makes everything a little more okay. If we miss each other, it makes it that much worse. I'm sorry you had one of those sessions.

Sometimes I think that pre-vacation sessions make me anxious, and we're more likely to miss each other. Because I *want* everything to feel just right when he leaves, and I'm so scared that it won't that somehow, it works out all wrong. I remember once saying something about that to T, and he said that he didn't feel like there had to be a perfect session before a vacation, because he would be back, and we would just continue working. In a way that made me feel a little better. Like, everything would be okay, even if we did have a crappy pre-vacation session.

As for quantifying the abuse. I have NO idea.

When I first started therapy, I know what I would have said was the worst, but as we've worked together over the past few years, that has totally changed. The thing I thought was the worst ended up being the thing that was the easiest to get through (even though it sucked and took forever). And we rarely even talk about the thing that actually brought me there in the first place (my abusive mom). The thing that ended up being the worst was the thing that was buried the deepest, which makes sense now. But before we did the work, I thought that thing (the csa) was just "something that happened", almost like a movie on a screen, and just couldn't let myself feel like it was a big deal.

It's ALL a big deal. I just find that to be such a weird question.

Hang in there, zoo. Post here. It feels like crap right now, but it won't feel like this forever. It never does.