****.

I don't know how to explain how bad session was today. I asked my T for her opinion on something and she was like, "it isn't my job to have an opinion on that." I had put off talking to her about this and trying to convince myself that I was reading things wrong. But now I can't delude myself any longer. I'm so angry. Of course she has an opinion. Everyone has an opinion on everything (or almost everything). She even agreed with this when I said it, and yet she wouldn't share her opinion. WTF? I'm vacillating between being angry and just not giving a ****.

I hate it when she turns things back on me. She was like "well what do you think about this? It makes me wonder what you think about this." I wasn't there to talk about what I thought. I know my thinking about my own abilities are distorted, that I think negatively about my ability to do just about anything. So yes, I wanted her opinion. I know that I have trouble judging myself accurately.

Not only that, but near the beginning of session I really just felt like I needed to hide. I was scared about talking about all this, plus I had all of these messy unclear feelings I wasn't sure about. I just wanted to hide. I couldn't help it. So I looked away from her. She was like "I'm here too." "We need to bring you back." "Can you come back to the room?" Every time she said something it just made me want to hide more. I just wanted to sit there for a little while. Like I just needed to sit there by myself. And it was like she just kept poking me.

So overall the session just really sucked. I'm not sure what I am feeling. Just all mixed up. And I don't see her until the 30th because of holidays.