I am trying really hard to put words to how i am starting to feel about last mondays sesson.it is so hard everything is so jumbled upin a ball of angerand numbness.but i know they are thare.i was so down in the dumps last week i could bearley function.i was calling out from work and everything.i couldnt talk to anyone.or i didnt want to talk to anyone it was to hard.i lived in my head and was miserable.i was so down it scared me.i was SI and it didnt help nothing was.

looking back on my session it was on one level kind of a disaster.i wouldnt talk.i was so angry at times and so detatched at others,my head was spinning at times,i was sick to my stomach,i guess scared because that is the one thing i did say.and this is how i left.barely able to still funtion and detached.came home and hid in my room.but didnt SI. all of this is concrete truth.stuff i know

this is when it gets scary and confusing for me.after my head started clearing some do to my son being able to come home after all.i thought about this session.i thought about me sitting thare so out of controle in my head.sooo down,unable to function even thare.BUT this is what i doubt.
1. it seemed to be ok i didnt need to talk T talked,she talked a lot and loud.i wonder was this ok with her? was she able to deal with me being this way and it was ok?it didnt scare her ,like it was scaring the heck out of me?

2. is this a good thing? i know it is a stupid question but i dont know and it is scary to me.is it ok if a T is ok with someone being this out of controle. i had no energy to fight it or to fight my T about it or anything.but for that time she seemed to be in controle.am i just thinking that?i dont know

3. in thinking back it felt ok to be the way i was in T in a way it never has been.kind of safe.THAT SCARES ME.my next thoughts instantly go to how far will she let me go if she is in controle.especially at times like then when i no longer want to controle anything i just want to give up.

4.when i left T i was still so out of controle without her thare to help me.that scares me also.how far would i have gone if my mood didnt pick up with the news from my son.i wasnt able to even remember anything much of what she said.

5.was T really in controle the whole time and did i let her be and how dangerous is that for me in the long run?