It sounds as though like many, many people, you are Agnostic. That's just not really knowing if there's a God. I was agnostic myself until I had a spiritual awakening. The power of that awakening is undeniable - and believe me, I'm a modern woman who cared nothing of God (that hurts me to say now.)

My relationship with God had nothing to do with any religion at all. No one tells me who my God is, and so he is an all-encompassing and loving God. That does not mean, however, that He justifies my wrongs when I commit them. That's a God of convenience.

I had to do some work to connect with the God of my understanding and now He is helping me heal - slowly. He is also allowing me to see things I never could before, and accept them safely. That is an awakening.