I was so glad that my session didn't get canceled today. I learned a lot, had many insights with the help of my T. I know it's a broken record how much I like her, but I just have to say it again! But she's not so unusual I decided. It's that our personalities fit. Most of my other Ts were too domineering, too strong for me. They intimidated me though they didn't mean to. This T makes it easy for me to talk. She's gentle, and that's what I need right now.

We talked about my marriage and how to work on it. I didn't know that was going to take an hour! It might be productive for my H to come in, we decided, but I'm still undecided. It depends what happens with the child issues.

I am so lucky I have 1 1/2 hours so there was half an hour left to get to the "child" stuff a little bit, though we didn't do IFS. I asked if she thought some incidents in my childhood were abuse (my other Ts were divided on that question) and she said it doesn't matter because obviously they caused me much distress, enough so the "child" part got scared last week. She thinks something may have happened that I don't remember though I said I told her everything I know about my childhood. I don't know if my brother's wanting me to "play" with him was abuse. He was just a pest. It was just touching, but he was older and I didn't like it. My Ts all knew about those incidents.

No one was trying to harm me back then; it was child's play but they were either older or more powerful than I was. We were all kids. They did something but it wasn't SA, just embarrassing and out of line. I thought it was my fault because I wasn't able to talk to them, but T says it's my family and environment that caused me the anxiety about not talking. She says that she knows my parents loved me, but they made mistakes and I may SAY that I know that, but I don't feel it.

I don't know about that....maybe she's right. I can't quite understand that concept yet.

At the end of the session, I had no choice because it was time to write my check, I asked her about the baby and child parts climbing into her heart. I looked directly at her when I asked! She thought and asked if she could change it a little to have ME hold onto her and the child parts inside of me, not her. I said that felt like she was rejecting me and she wanted to know why. I don't know what I said. Maybe about wanting to be with her in her house, etc. She said she will be with me and my parts the same way. I don't know; somehow she convinced me it was okay. I asked if she would shrink down so SHE could fit in my heart and she said "sure" or "of course" or something. She said she and I would both be there taking care of the baby,the 3 yr. old, and the 5 yr. old, and the older parts could be there too. I had asked her about "me" too.

She wanted me to take her bear with me and I agreed that was a better idea than her taking it. I can also email her once because she's not going out of town. I didn't ask if she meant once each week or not. She's so nice; I think I could if I needed to. It's okay if I email even though I didn't have to last week.

I said I was exposed to stomach flu so she just held out her arms when I left and said she didn't want to catch it, but she was giving me a big hug.

I feel somewhat stirred up because of the new thoughts/insights she put into my head. They aren't totally new to me, just a little different perspective. I didn't discuss how much I post here. I know when it's good for me and when it's not. I can't keep all this about my session inside of me and where else can I go? Our forum is special!!!!