T called me tonight and we talked. We had a big conversation. I did not mention this in my thread but at the end of my session I had a hyperventilating panic attack and I was still in tears when we ended. As I played with the shells, my subconscious narrated, so it was mostly clear to me what I was playing out with the shells. I think I panicked because, like always, T did not ask questions - "Why? What does that mean? Who is that shell? Why is that shell doing tha? etc." So I was only able to assume she understood what was happening. Last night when we talked I tried to explain to her everything that happened with the shells but I was met with the same sort of emotionaless observant distance - the blank slate. That interaction triggered me to email her and tell her I quit. I did not want to go back to that place with her and I have had enough of starting over and over and over with T after T after T. I really have made a lot of progress with her, but I feel like I have done all the work by myself. I always feel empty when I leave her. I do not need her to love me or hold me or mother me - I just need her to work with me instead of watch me. How can she possibly know if she is interpreting my behavior correctly if she is not asking for clarification or more information?

Tonight our conversation was different than usual. I was challenging, I was pushy, I was not accepting of anything she said. I think somewhere in me I was trying to model to her what I wanted but I was too angry and it came off aggressive. I even interrupted her several times. I really wanted answers and I really needed her to get where I was. I have really been struggling with lack of feeling challenged and her role in therapy. She rarely answers my questions and it drives me crazy. I was angry and persistent enough on the phone to make her answer them. I wanted to know what role she saw herself in. I wanted to know why she works the way she does. I wanted to see if how she works aligns with how she thinks she works. I needed to determine if the way she works would even allow for her to meet my needs. I think, once we got past the interruptions and anger and I let her explain - I was able to hear that she was in fact meeting some of my needs - some very important needs in fact. It was good for me to have some concrete reasons why I have stayed with her all this time despite lack of feeling challenged. It was also really helpful in better explaining how she is falling short for me. I think she was actually surprised at how valuable letting go and answering my questions really was.

We talked a lot about my therapy needs and if she is capable of meeting them. I continued to be a pain in the arse. I did not want to hear anything except "I can give you what you need from therapy" Honestly, eventually we got there, but I had to really think about how to explain what I needed from her. This "I'm not getting what I need" feeling has come up several times in our work together and I realized that I have been really vague in explaining and asking for what I need. "I need to be pushed, I need to be challenged." That is all I could tell her. She really thought she had been doing that when we talked about it. I figured out that I had to explain how to challenge me, why I need to be challenged, and what challenging me means. I suggested asking questions like "Why do you say that/do that/think that/feel that? Why is that important? Where did that come from? Does that still work for you?" Very simple. I would make progress. I would feel heard. I would find deeper meaning in my struggles. I wouldn't feel like I was doing therapy alone. At least in theory.. Anyway, it does not surprise me at all that the questions I need her to ask to meet my needs, are the questions she needed me to answer to understand why my needs aren't getting met. It is kind of evidence for the case of my unmet needs. Hate to say it, but I totally played therapist tonight (by hate, I mean love, really, really love).

The baby stuff has been quite a challenge these past few months. It's brought up a lot of stuff. I think the most challenging part of it though has been that we have not explored what it all means beyond the context of therapy. Other than giving the feelings a name, everything has stayed at the therapist/baby/leave/obvious level and it has been making me feel like a lunatic for obsessing. I know in my mind these obsessions are not about T going on leave or having a baby. I think if T starts asking why, starts digging deeper I will feel a lot better about the baby stuff. Despite my anger with her blank-slate-ness, I really believe that the therapeutic relationship and transference are very valuable - but if they are not being explored beyond the context of therapy other than just naming it abandonment/rejection/whatever the core-concept issue is, then it is only valuable to therapy. Ultimately, that's not good therapy. I think I explained my feelings about my therapy to T pretty well and I feel hopeful that she is capable of making good on it. I am going to my session on Friday - I guess I will see what happens?