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Dec 16, 2010, 03:34 AM
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Member Since: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 3,079
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I just sent this to my T. I don't know wtf is wrong with me.
Quote:
it's late, really late. Too late to call you. I've been up for almost
24 hours and I know I need to sleep soon. But I can't. I'm just lying
in bed, crying and trying to distract myself with the internet. But I
can't because everything hurts. My stomach and my chest and everything
deep down inside. That huge hole inside me. It hurts and I don't know
why or how or what happened, but I know I'm not okay and I just keep
trying to tell myself I AM ok, and it's not working. I really want to
do anything ANYTHING to not feel like this anymore. And so I keep
telling myself to wait, that how I feel will change. But...****. I
can't just feel this way and be calm and wait it out. Some things are
too...I don't know. Too hard to wait. Knowing a better moment is
coming isn't helping when I feel like I'm stuck in this moment and
it's as bad as any I've ever had. So does that mean, this is how it
is? Does it never change? Does it ever go away? I'm tired of living
this life where I'm laid low, just totally knocked over, by my
emotions. I have to have hope that it won't always be like this, but
I'm losing it. I thought talking about the rape would help, and it
didn't. I thought just being in therapy would help, but now I'm
running out of time and I'll be alone in these moments and then what
will I do? So yes, it helped. But if it's not a lasting change then
it's almost worse than no change at all. To come so close to seeing
what life could be like if you're not unhappy every moment, and then
watch it slip away. I'd rather be numb again.
I can't take care of me and I can't take care of my kids and I can't
NOT take care of them either.
It's so hard to try to cry so quietly so (my daughter) won't hear me when
she's just on the other side of the door.
I'm just going to send this and I know, I KNOW, I will wake up
tomorrow and regret having sent it. But I need to not feel so alone
just right this second. Somehow, sending this feels like a connection
to you and that's all I can hang onto right now
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__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said.
~Brian Andreas
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