Thank you, Oceanwave. I will see him Monday. I am doing "ok" without seeing him some, but then I can feel that I do need him. Then I get mad for feeling I need him and go into my protection mode. It is odd because one hour I will feel super great and not have any bond with him at all - like something clicks off inside me. Then I feel SOOO good - almost free? And I think "I don't need anyone ever in my life, much less some stranger I didn't know until a year and a half ago. Someone I can't even ever really bond with anyway IRL." I am not really a person who has friends anyway thanks to the years and years of any friend I made turning their back on me in a big way. My trust level with people is very low thanks to experience.

Then the next hour it hurts deeply inside and I honestly miss him. I miss the connection. Since he is being so silent with emails and not saying much, I sense maybe he is going through something hard. Or maybe not. IDK. But I want to look at his eyes and just make sure HE is ok. I know I am not supposed to do that I guess and that makes me even more sad. Then I go back into really thinking therapy is hurting me more than it is healing me if I feel this way when I can't see him? IDK. It is just mixed up.

I now kinda feel like I am back inside myself and that was safe for so many years. So it feels good to be here again. It is almost where I was emotionally when I first started to see him. I know I healed a ton of trauma, but I did need to work on other stuff too. So I am kinda just rolling with things.