Last night was my boyfriends formal, i left school two years ago so going with him is like my only chance. His best friend is a girl who i really like and get on on with, i know nothing is going to happen between them but the paranoia overwhelms me alot. She was sick after drinking too much and he went to the toilets with her to help. I didnt know where he was and they were gone for an hour. When i finally found him i freaked out, completely flipped worse than i ever have. I'd drank rather alot and i know that was the wrong thing to do, but it just made everything worse. It escalated into a physical fight and i left cuts all down his face. Im so disgusted at myself, i want to self harm to ease the guilt but this would only hurt him even more. His mum is bipolar and he thought she would be okay but understandably she flipped and wanted to call the police. Im not annoyed about that, i deserve it but i dont think i could ever look her in the face again. Shes been so kind to me and its like ive just thrown it back in her face. How can i ever speak to her again, and how can i apologise, i know that i have a condition but it just feels like im making excuses, it was all me and i finally feel like i should face up to the music. I want my boyfriend to hurt me, to scream at me, even cut me, i don't think i can live with myself. I dont even want to try to, i feel like everyone would be so much better off if i just killed myself. I may be sweet and we make each other so happy when its good, but the bad far outweighs the good and thats because of me, im a disgusting person. Can anyone please give me advice, i really dont think i can cope.