I just came to the realization today that I don't want to visit my mom for Christmas break due to her verbal abuse. Somehow, don't ask me how, I had blocked out her explosion, anger, accusations and yelling the last time I visited.
I mean, I didn't want to take this trip but she has told me she will be majorly depressed if I don't visit this year. Whatever. I'm in. It's not all bad.
What usually sets it off these days is her asking about my finances and not being satisfied with my answer, then she accuses me of keeping information from her. She knows I suffer from depression, but she is convinced I would feel better if I went back to work. There may be a piece to that which is right but 1) I haven't been able to find anything 2) There are days when getting out of bed, cleaning the house, laundry, making dinner etc. for my partner is the best I can manage - just being honest about where I am currently.
So... I have looked at maybe five jobs in the last three months. Three resumes out and two applications for retail jobs. Of course, no responses. Pretty half-hearted attempt by me. Instead (to be honest) I have been more focused on trying to study some math and chemistry on my own in order to ready myself for classes/ in hope of going back to school. Good idea? Terrible idea? Don't know. It's just what I am doing when I have any energy.
Should I stretch the truth by telling her I have looked at more like fifteen or so jobs in the last three months??
I just want to have this slide by.
I am using all of the energy I have just to show up at her house for a week and be pleasant. I don't have any energy left to sit and bear the brunt of her screaming at me.