Thank you both, you're very kind and your replies made me feel a little better, other people dont seem to understand that any punishment they give us will be nothing compared to what we put ourselves through on a daily basis. It felt like there was a big ball inside my stomach chewing me up from the inside. I hope that he'll forgive me but i doubt that his mum will. He says he only wants to take care of me but ive messed it up all by myself, his mothers not going to want her sons life being ruined by someone as unbalanced as myself. And he deserves someone normal aswell, i know that he does shoulder ther weight of it but he shouldnt have to. He actually cried infront of me last night and you dont hurt the people you love like that, i felt like my heart was breaking. Yes im seeing a therapist but i know ive let him down aswell, he didnt get angry, just upset and that hurt aswell. I know i cant keep punishing myself but i just dont feel ready to forgive myself and i know that this will niggle away at me for weeks. I still agonize over things that i did 10 years ago I obsess over things incessantly, do other people do this too? thanks so much for all your support, lots of love to everyone. Mab