I was in a similar place with my job 11 years ago when I ended up going out on medical leave of absense. I did my job so well.....to the point they wouldn't let me transfer back into the technical end of aerospace engineering. Unfortunately, I was trapped in a position I hated....(I think you like your job....just overworked?). When we are so good & give so much they really find out how much is missing when we aren't there. I got so stressed out from hating the situation I was in......then the northridge earthquake hit.....so it looked like that was the problem when it wasn't. I was being treated for anxiety which was so bad I couldn't handle it.....& then they would call & ask me how I was from work...& my anxiety would go through the roof.

My situation got way worse & depression set in because I realized that I was never going to go back to what had been my career & I lost my identity......to top of the anxiety that I was experiencing. I just left on the medical leave of absense for an indefinite length of time, & saw the paperwork just the other week where I went out of work in Jan 1994 & wasn't let go from the company untio 2001. I got all the sick leave pay that I was entitled to & then I ended up on disability.

During that time, I too ended up with chronic pain (24/7 migraines) with the ER room visits for my 200mg of demoral every 3 days. The question of addiction & rebound pain always came up until I found the most awsome pain specialist 3 years ago. He decided that the 200ug/hour of the duragesic fentynal patch (that the narcotic is constantly being absorbed into my body) was the answer. He told me that the rule of thumb for determining addiction vs. building up tollerance is basically that :

Addiction: when you keep wanting more of the medication for the feel that you get from it (& that isn't the pain relief feel either).

Tollerance: when you need more medication because it no longer is working at the point where it was working.

Basically with that, you have to be at a point where the pain relief is actually working in the beginning. My migraine would always come back.....because I was undermedicated. Once I was put on the amount that works, I haven't had a migraine since....& I haven't had to up the dosage for 3 years. It takes having a gutsy pain specialist that is willing to up the medication to find the dose that really works without breakthrough pain & not fear the DEA. When my Mother was dying of cancer last year, she was on a smaller dose of fentynal patch than I am on. It is kinda scarry being on that high amount of narcotics. When I had my fall with my horse with the concussion & messed up shoulder, I feared taking any other pain med.

I know that there is always the fear of addiction, but it is usually people who don't have the fear & just want the med that are the addicts....not those of us who really need it for the real pain we are experiencing.

You are not out of line with your need for pain relief & please don't worry about feeling that you are feeling the way you are just to get the meds.....I am sure they are only just helping the pain. I know in the ER, they would call me med seeking.....when all I really was was pain relief seeking. As soon as the pain was taken care of, I never went back to the ER for any pain meds except after my horse fall & that was a single time

Glad your husband is supportive......it is good you have someone for you to make your life at home more simple....but the stress with your daughter & the fighting you had to do trying to get her settled into the treatment center, had to add to your stress, thus the pain from the muscle tightness.

Hopefully you will be able to relax some, hope you can find a job that requires a little less stress, but if you are like me, I strive to be the best at my work & thus the stress to be outstanding & do the job the best I can which puts alot of pressure on myself no matter how simple the job. That is just my personality that I have to figure out how to live with.

Do take care & if you need more time off & don't feel like going back to work would be good for you, stay out until you feel you are in a position where you can function again. You can always tell them that the meds you are taking for your condition aren't allowing you to be able to function & need to stay out until that improves.....that will give you some time to find something else that will work better for yourself.

Sorry for the long reply.....but take care of yourself first of all......if the job isn't there when you are well enough to go back....that is their problem too because you have been giving them 200% of yourself that I bet no other employee has ever given.

Debbie