(((((((((((((((All))))))))))) thank you. I stopped punishing myself. But it worked.
Now I am glad I don't have to see him until next Monday. That will be 4 days of peace anyway. I do understand what you are sharing, Rainbow. Thank you.
I just now see all the times when I blew off things that were warning signals to not get closer. Oh well. Time will heal this wound too. Maybe you are right, just a pattern I do. But people scare me when I am vulnerable with them - and now I just remeber why. I am glad I use my scale of trust rather than yes or no.
T was at about 93 - the highest anyone can ever get with me is 95 (1-100).
Now he is like a 30ish. Strangers are about 60 usually.
I remember when I first started seeing him and didn't know him at all how it felt so much safer. I was never really hurt too much by strangers. They were almost always people I knew. I remember after our first rupture about 2 months into therapy how T told me that my eyes had changed somehow. He couldn't pin point what it was, but the way I looked at him was different.
The odd thing is that I have had other people tell me the same thing - friends and lovers. They tell me I looked at them one way when we first meet but then after our first fight, I change. One lover said she really missed how I looked at her those first months. I tried hard to look at her the same way (but no clue how that was) - but she said that the look never returned. She described it as a wall going up around me and that I was looking at her from inside the wall - and she couldn't go into where I was.
|