Dear one,
I know how hard it is. Believe me. I know exactly at what point you are now. I was there too. The thing is - there is nothing anyone can say or do to allow you to break away from him. People may encourage you, offer sympathy, a listening ear, a harsh reality check (
) and some advice. But in the end - it is for you to make that step and decide it and stick by it. I divided it to these 3 because I really think they are different. Its one thing to decide. Its another to do. And its another to stick by it. Think of it as addiction. Its very similar.
Now, there is a lot of positive in your reply:
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I am not free mentally or emotionally from him.
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This is a good thing to acknowledge. Dont be harsh on yourself. Maybe worth asking yourself - what needs to happen for you to be free?
Also - What needs does this connection serve for you? does it answer any needs?
and then - can these needs be answered in another way?
Ask yourself - what are your needs as a woman? maybe its to be loved, feel safe and secure, be appreciated, be cared for, spend nights with a man you love, look after children, be creative - what ever this may be. Now think - how does he serve in getting these needs met?
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I think I love him, but I'm not even so sure about that, because often things he does make me question whether I even like him.
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I know what you mean. I think you do not like him but still feel this bond - like a cord is tying you. And this is the coodependency and the addiction.
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But then I gloss it over and make excuses for him.
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That is classic codependency. Who else did you use to make excuses for in the past? Did you love them as much and felt you cannot break free?
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I would go into specifics but realize it's stupid because it's not even about him anymore; it's about me.
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Very good! It is only about you.
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Why can't I let go? But believe me I'm looking for answers.
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I know. I can really see that you are. Why cant you let go? I cant answer that. But you can - maybe working with a therapist can help with that. Its a very good question. And maybe its as simple as - You Can. You just need to want to...
Now - if you talk about letting go - usually when its about letting go there is fear involved. Ask yourself what are you afraid of? maybe its about not being needed anymore? maybe its about being alone? maybe its about your sense of purpose? Alot of people have fears of being left. of being alone. of being without someone.
Try to explore these with a therapist. It may give some relief, and help to let go.
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In the meantime I'm not making any life-changing decisions.
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Good. I think if you make them now just be prepared to stick by it.
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All I want is to be a good person and have a little happiness for a change without fearing the rug being pulled out again.
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Personally I find this very meaningful. You want little happiness. Why little? why not just happiness? why not a lot of happiness? what needs to happen for you to be very happy? do you not think you deserve full happiness?
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Today I'm happy to a degree. I can even say I don't mind being without him. Aloneness isn't so bad after all, but during quiet moments of the day or night my mind and heart drifts back to him like a moth to a flame. Thanks again. I appreciate your words.
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It sounds like loneliness and being alone is a big thing. You dont mind being without him, you say. When really - from everything you said - you should be very happy for being alone and excited in the prospect of your new life. A healthy, loving life. No moth. No flame. Like calming water... Be gentle with yourself.
And - no problem. I hope it helps a bit. Thank you for your honest response. The truth is - we are ok as we are. We dont need someone else to reassure that. Then happiness begins x