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Dec 16, 2010, 09:50 PM
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Member Since: Dec 2010
Location: Over the Rainbow
Posts: 62
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RACEKA
I did the empty chair technique with my T last night with my abusive mom. She died in 2000. I did ok until I had to tell her it was time to go away. I got very emotional at that point and I'm trying to figure out why. My T wants me to journal about it this week.
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Raceka,
I too haven't actually gone through this experience, but I've been no contact with my parents for over eight years now and I think about this sometimes. My father's in his early 70s, and his father and grandfather both died in their mid-70s, so I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have many years left.
If I were dealing with this situation, I'd definitely be full of conflicts. On the one hand, I would definitely grieve and think about the few positive experiences I had with my dad. For instance, there's one vivid memory I have of when my mother and sister went on a trip and it was just me and my dad. He cut out of work early and took me to dinner. He really opened up about his childhood, telling me stories that were actually really fun to hear. It was like the only time I really got to know my father as a regular human being. Generally, he was always playing the all-knowing, all-wise father, constantly handing out criticism and advice. It makes me really, really sad just to think about this now.
On the other hand, though, I wouldn't be able to forget the condescension and the constant attacks on my self-esteem. My father had a sarcastic way of saying "my dear daughter" that just made me feel like such an utter zero. He could be very hostile and controlling sometimes. He always had to be right and really wasn't interested in hearing about how I felt or what I thought. There were times when I would end up feeling utterly defeated and helpless, wondering why I'd even been born.
I would also feel guilty about a lot of things, like going no contact and feeling angry at his emotional abuse because I know he behaved the way he did because he himself was emotionally abused. It seems to me that your difficulties are totally understandable, so please don't be hard on yourself. I think we can't help but accept conflicts when it comes to abusive parents because they're such a major part of our lives. I guess if it were me (actually, it'll be me one of these days!), I'd have to grieve, feel angry, feel guilty, and eventually accept that I'll always feel conflicted.
Please forgive me if anything I've said has been a trigger. I do think about this, though, so I thought I'd post my two cents.
Stay strong!
Rainbow 
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