Quote:
His mental sufferings were due to the fact that.. the question suddenly occurred to him: "What if my whole life has been wrong?" It occurred to him that what had appeared perfectly impossible before, namely that he had not spent his life as he should have done, might after all be true....
"But if that is so," he said to himself, "and i am leaving this life with the consciousness that I have lost all that was given me and it is impossible to rectify it -- what then?"
Tolstoy, in this passage toward the end of The Death of Ivan Ilyich, captures the moment of coming face to face with the realization that one has wasted time not living the life one should have lived. Regret is perhaps too soft a word for the feelings that accompany this recognition.
To feel that your life has been in vain, that you have nothing to show for the time, that you fell asleep, made false moves, or settled for something far less than you could have -- that is painful.
Be careful with regret. It is tricky territory. Learn from it, but avoid indulging in it. ~Kenneth W. Christian, PhD
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Yes, to view your life simply as a misadventure and waste of resources is painful, even if it is true an illness played a prominent role. One of my siblings frequently reminds me I have not lived. He cannot understand why I am unable it seems to "
just get over it" - whatever that "it" is.
A therapist in a moment of jocularity suggested I could be useful talking to other sufferers of mental disorders about the choices I made that have caused me such distress. Once over the shock of this sentiment, I embraced the suggestion. Although I may not be able to put more meaning into my life, perhaps I could help others put more meaning in theirs?
Why did I make so many poor choices? More importantly, why has decades of treatment not been more effective? The professionals, I believe, could have tried harder to understand the dynamics of growing up for me.
I had no one to talk to. I made choices that helped me survive. I did not know any other way. I now know I clung to what helped me survive for far too long after my circumstances changed. I was not clever enough to figure that out for myself.
pachyderm's comment got me thinking too. I suppose I will never know if my infirmities were of themselves treatment-resistant, or if they were resistant to the treatment I received, or if I resisted offered treatment that may have helped as some of my therapists have implied.
Again, I am not posting to point the finger of blame. I learned so much from treatment despite my frustrations. In fact, I expect I am able to put down my thoughts because of caring souls that moiled to help me.
Even so, I am very concerned about the state of the art for treatment of mental disorders. After slogging through many articles these last days, I feel betrayed by professionals who promised too much and knew too little. A large part of my frustration with treatment arose because of unrealized expectations. After awhile, I had great difficulty believing what I was told.
More discouraging was being told I did not understand. I repeatedly asked what I did not understand. After all, I was in therapy to help me understand. Upon being told I did not understand, I came to expect being asked by the therapist how he/she could help me. Next therapist, please.
The good news for me is seeing more professionals asking for more transparency and questioning how ties to the pharmaceuticals benefit the consumers. A new paradigm for what is meant by "recovery" is intriguing. Since by definition the recovery process must be self-directed by the individual, perhaps my brother is right? Maybe I need to define how I can
just get over it?
More reading for those so inclined:
http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/librar...10.html#topper
http://www.storiedmind.com/2010/09/1...ental-illness/
http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/librar...c1.html#topper
http://www.medhelp.org/lib/medicate.htm
http://psychservices.psychiatryonlin...ull/61/10/1042
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/sho...en_dramat.html
http://www.uth.tmc.edu/uth_orgs/hcpc..._illnesses.htm
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/lif...cle6538213.ece
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder
http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/n...nt-depression/