I am sorry you are having a bad time right now, Melissa. Keep the faith, though.
1) Having suicidal thoughts doesn't mean you will always be in pain when you are feeling them...I've tried to understand why they are so often a nudge away, or, I turn some corner and there they are. They just are. Sometimes they're like a song stuck in my head, yet often I am free of them. When they do come knockin', I often feel like a fraud for "pretending" they're not there. But, I then remember this: I am not my emotions. I am not even, really, my thoughts. We borderlines tend to see the moment as the "moment of truth." But, it's not. It's a moment.

2) "Always having suicidal thoughts" doesn't mean always, every hour, every day, every week--even every month. It does mean they will, likely, recur. I have binges that recur, too. But I don't binge all the time.

3) I wonder if your pdoc wasn't trying to get you to focus on other things instead of grieving over a symptom? There are so many changes we can make in our lives, so many things we can have control over. I think s/he probably wants you to turn toward the skills and behaviors that you can learn, practice, and depend upon to help you avoid sinking into depresssion when sadness and disappointment do come around. Much of what we have to learn, just like bipolars have to learn it, is preventative care..."mood hygiene" my pdoc calls it.

I am so glad we have the What's good about borderlines thread in our forum. Even though it hasn't been refreshed in awhile, it's there, and it always will be. I visit it upon occasion, read over it, laugh, feel proud, feel stronger again. We know who we are, we understand us, we have a place--and it's a good one.

Keep recovering...you will, you know, because we are strong, tough, caring.