Hi. I just wanted to vent a little. I get very tired being a parent, especially when my boys just don't care or respect me. It hurts very much. I feel like I somehow failed them. They are still so young (7 & 10) and I hope they will learn to care and respect others.
I have difficulty, too, with getting "too" close to people. A good friend (he is a psychologist) brought something to my attention. I had breast cancer at the age of 31 (now am 36 in remission). My boys were 2 and 5. At that point I faced my mortality. It is a horrible loss of control. It does not go away. This hidden fear creeps up and gets in the way of alot of things, including my ability to be a good parent. I feel like my "mothering nature" is inadequate, not strong, fearful, powerless. Oh, I know this all sounds so dark and glum. It can be actually, just not always.
I work hard everyday to start fresh and be better than the day before. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck this way, I hate looking at the history of the past 8 years. The depression struck first, and took a lot from me. I worked hard to gain a sense of self back. Then when I felt really good....BAM! Cancer. It really sucks. I never know if or when it will come back....it may never....but the chances are higher than for someone that never had it. I fight every day.
Thanks for listening. I think I am in many ways a control freak...it interferes in so many areas of my being....it is such a struggle.
HUGS!
Yellowrose