Hello
Your post makes me very so very sad for you. I'm not in a place to have much advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I am listening to you and I feel for you and even though I don't know you, I care about you just from reading your words.

I know part of the struggles you are going through, as far as the length of time and the frustration you have with short lived joy. You say you don't know why you are even reaching out here, but I think it is a good sign that you are strong and want to connect and I hope that posting here will bring you some comfort.