Have you two tried DBT?
It really, really helped me--even though I was pissed off ALL THE TIME, the first time I took it--I kept fuming, thinking You Do Not Know How I Feel, and all you other women are just being suck-ups. My DBT leader told my therapist I was the "poster child for willfulness" (not willingness)......................But, I got better, a lot because my therapist insisted that I do the homework and show it to him. In that way, we worked through my barriers--and misunderstandings. I really didn't get it the first time through. I mean, I didn't, actually, understand what I was even being asked to do...sometimes I didn't even know that I was doing it wrong; it was so different from what I did--how I acted, how I thought.

So, that was the first time. I still cried and raged a lot the second time, but by the end, I was in more control of myself than I had ever been in my life.

Since then, I've had to take two refresher classes (it turns out that it's common to "back-slide" and need a refresher about every three years).

This last time...I gave up my spot to someone who needed it more: because I get it now (I think).

So, DBT is my first recommendation. My second recommendation is a therapist who promises to be there, who says he will never fire me--even though, he says, I may fire him. He is one tough s.o.b. sometimes. Our relationship has gone through major changes: very nurturing and generous and thoughtful (within bounds) for two years, until I trusted him, a good year of being able to "see" myself, then a phase of beginning to treat me by reacting as others would to me shenanigans, a long, long period of raging and feeling I was being abandoned, back to work, work, work.

Throughout that time, I was a cutter and often suicidal. Sometimes I needed hospitalization, but only for short periods, so that I could calm down and feel safe again, and be reminded of the fact that recovery is my responsibility and there are tools to use to do that....that even therapy is a tool, and what was I going to do with it.

A side note--my therapist makes me write my own treatment plans. I hate him for it even now....I still want him to know everything, to plan my life, to be responsible for whether or not I succeed in solving behavioral, cognitive, and emotional problems.

Only a year and a half ago, I was in the hospital again, but it was for only two-three days (depending on how you want to look at it), and I haven't cut in at least two years.

I offer these anecdotal remarks because I think they show that it takes time, and you have to be gentle with yourself and let yourself hope. We are often afraid to hope. Think we don't deserve it, or something? But there is no reason not to hope. There is help, there are solutions, and you are very, very strong so much of the time. Don't berate yourself for needing to lean on people every now and again. You know, it feels good to be together here, to know each other, see each other, hold each other up. Having that kind of community makes a tremendous difference for me. We're okay. Just look at all of us here, and at all we have to offer.
So much love to you both: