I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this or even the right term. If anyone wishes to correct me or move this to a more appropriate forum, I'd be fine with that.

I guess my main problem with the term 'flashback' is that the things which are going through my head are not any conscious memories that I can even verify having. They feel like memories, and I can experience them as if they're happening. But... I can't be sure if they even happened in this life. If they did, it must have been when I was very little, but my folks have no recollection of them either (that they've told me about) so I don't know...

Anyways, I more get these 'images' in an episodic fashion. Something will trigger me and the thoughts and feelings will pop back into my mind again. Just waiting to overwhelm me. If I fall into them badly enough then I still technically on some level know who and where I am. But it really feels like I'm seeing and experiencing things from that point of view at the same time. Like being in two bodies at once, but those negative experiences are overwhelming me and as it gets worse, this reality gets blotted out more and more.

It's been awhile since I've had this happen, but the other night I got triggered again and they've been with me ever since. I can remember a cabin in the woods and a man. I remember lying on the ground and being petrified. I also know I couldn't get away and there was some sort of pain. There are other things, but I wonder if I'm making up certain aspects of it? Ya know, like my mind trying to fill in the gaps. Or if it's more symbolic imagery of what I'm feeling. I can never actually figure out what's going on though, because the closer my mind gets to it the more panicked I get. And I'm hardly coherent at all. I try to work with my boyfriend but I'm usually screaming and crying and just not 'with it' at all when things get bad.

I guess what I really want to know is what this is and what I should do about it? Should I force these thoughts and feelings away from me as much as possible, or explore them and see where they lead? Would that be feeding into it, or do I need to understand where this is coming from in order to get anywhere and make it really stop?

Also, I can feel a lot of my anxiety and depression welling up lately. At the very least it makes me more fragile and susceptible to these things. Do you think it might just be the side effect of a panic attack? Like my mind creating imagery to give my panicked feelings some substance? Or could it be a memory from my very young childhood that I've blocked out? I've had issues with dissociation too, and that's welling up more these days as well.

Sorry, I'm kinda scared and upset right now. I'm not sure what's happening to me.. or what I should do about it. And the older I get, the more I want to know. Has anybody else had any experiences like these? Any... I don't know... insight you guys could offer? I'd appreciate it.. Sorry that this is so incoherent and rambly. I'm feeling less stable these days.