It's not usually something he does. It's just that he's always around in the evening and intrusive thoughts are more likely to hit me at night when I have fewer distractions. So he tries to calm me down.

And I feel terrified and sickened. Sometimes the feelings are more complex though... like a certain ambience? It's often grotesque and cruel. I also feel helpless. I'd say I feel alone, but that's not really right because it seems natural in that state to be alone. Like there's nobody else in the world so the thought would never enter your head to want help. Sometimes on the ground the thought enters my head that I'm dying, and that just feels cold. Like the world stopping. Sometimes my mind will go off on a tangent from it and I'll get weird thoughts and feelings that don't make sense. Like the idea of being trapped in a dead body as it decomposes for example. (Usually I dissociate heavily when these things happen and it can actually take me away from the images and feelings that I'm talking about here though). Other images will enter my head like a man raging and violent things being done. The ones that feel the most real have none of that attached to them though, which is why I wonder if my mind is also just making that stuff up. The strongest stuff involves the ambience and images of forest and cabins and woodpiles and things like that. The horror and terror and sickness remains throughout though.

Thanks for offering to talk. I do have a therapist but I have to work during the holiday season so much that I don't get a day off to see her for a few weeks. It's not going so smoothly. :/