Hi, Yesterdays. I know these feelings. I can relate. This is why, exactly, I gave up and went into therapy. I wasn't going to make it, and I needed a rope to cling to...it's not a hand, my therapist tells me. He says it's a rope. And I won't get anywhere unless I grab onto it...(He's maybe hedging it a little there....he's given me a hand a lot of times.......but not overall.)

I've been thinking about that horror and panic. It is extremely stressful....

And I've been doing some reading about survivor psychology--the study of reactions to the stress of the absence of resources.

It made me think about us, about borderlines: I think it's true that borderlines feel so intensely that it puts us into a stress overload--into the sensation that we are in danger, that something horrible is just about to happen--maybe even is happening. We have tremendous insecurity about being loved--about being loveable. This is a legitimate need, a hugely important one.

So, here's the research I've read so far: People living in conditions of extreme stress often undergo a process of psychic deadening.....they stop experiencing ordinary human feelings like compassion. Their need to survive takes over, replacing those feelings with the drive for self-preservation. This is threatened when others ask too much of us--or, are not giving us enough (and I think that "enough" is actually a legitimate level, too--I just don't think it's supposed to come from others...but I'm working on that...)

So, here's what I was thinking: that as we become more self aware, as is supposed to happen in therapy--and which is a major goal, it can make us feel, for a season (and maybe a long season), much, much worse about ourselves. In therapy, even before therapy--whenever we are confronted with the conflict between our needs and the responsibility to take care of others' needs (...or something like that..Still working that part out, too.) the horrible feelings come because we don't believe we are good--not even "good enough", and we're afraid that if other people find out, they will destroy us in some way. But, we want to be good...we want to belong, and we are completely stressed out by the situation--by putting ourselves in positions of risking being rejected. We become afraid to even try.

Borderlines are survivors.....so, what is it we're surviving?, and how can we go about surviving in a functional manner?--a manner that has compassion for ourselves, a manner that has enough hope to see ourselves as connected to others, as belonging....

You are surviving, and it is very painful and stressful, and there is a lot to learn and re-learn. I sometimes wish I didn't remember this (because I sometimes rage against hope) but I will never forget Desiderata--the poem that says "you are a child of the universe, you have a right to be here." You do. I do. It's okay that it's really hard sometimes.

I'm going to continue researching survivor psychology...Do you know that the leaders who emerge in crisis are those who can take decisive action and don't care if they hurt anyone's feelings?.............Sounds like a borderline job announcement to me!

Much love.