Quote:
Originally Posted by Mustkeepjob32
I don't want to die at this point but I am going through "a living nighmare" where it is impossible for me to see a bright future.
I've just kept spiraling down more and more in every facet of my life.
I need to find a way to be stronger and not give in to weakness.
The problem is I think about weird stuff like the following: Why work so hard when I could die in a horrible car accident? Or if I might die a horrible slow death of liver failure? I have such a horrible fear of death I guess...
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I relate with much of what you've said. I've had a decent couple of days, mood wise. I notice I do better when I know I don't have to go out into the world. The anxiety starts when I know I have an appointment coming up or have to go grocery shopping or something.
Thinking about getting back into the workforce. When I think beyond that, however, I wonder why try? I've never liked any job I've ever had. I didn't finish my degree so the likelihood of me doing "OK" is slim. At best, I will be able to subsist. I have student loans that I'll never be able to repay and they'll probably take a large chunk of whatever I make anyway.
Then there's the likelihood that I'll never have a relationship in the future. I'm "over the hill" in gay years. I'm not what society considers attractive. I'm not attracted to people like myself.
And I have little interest in anything. I mean anything. Television and the internet are about it. I don't really want to meet any new friends. I'm satisfied with what I have (which is two, three if you include my mom).
What's there to live for? I'm not suicidal right now, but I have a hard time imagining living life for the next 30 or more years. I have thoughts that I wish I would get sick. Of course, I want the most painless, quick illness that exists.
Which is a clear example of warped thinking because how many deaths are painless?
My therapist said something I like when we met on Friday. She said that depression is about looking at the past and feeling powerless to change it and anxiety is fear about the future. I think there's a lot of truth in that for me and I'm trying to remember the past without ruminating on it. The future part I'm having a harder time with. I've been feeling a lot of pressure to change everything RIGHT NOW. The therapist was good about reminding me that it'll take time.
Anyway, I guess I blathered on about all that because I get a lot out of reading your posts because I feel we have similar issues. This helps me feel less like I'm the only one. I hope me sharing my "stuff" is helpful for you or others in some way.
Will you still have insurance working "per diem"? Will you be able to get a therapist? I know you said you were hoping to but I didn't know how recent events affect that. I hope bringing that up doesn't bring you down.