Chad,

Your comments definitely do help me! About the insurance, I am pretty sure I won't have it, but I am clarifying that with HR and I should find out by tomorrow.
I am 32 and people have told me I'm over the hill in gay years. I never went clubbing or flirt endlessly with guys in my early 20s, and now I wish I had...or that I still could!.
I have also wished to get a terminal disease. So that people will never expect a bright future for me. No one will expect me to put forth all this effort into my future if I'm dying of a disease right? But that can't be right to think that way.
We tend to negate any possible positives that might come our way in the future. I tend to think that is an insidious thing that depression does to us in making us think that way. If we give into it, we are basically telling depression and anxiety to devour us.
Like you, I find little joy in anything. It's called anhedonia. Even when everyone is laughing or having fun, it is actually painful to try to laugh with them at times. How messed up I am!

Z