Hey, I'm new here and kinda just wanted to get this out there and ask for advice. I posted on the Q&A but it was suggested that I would get more help at the forums, and I would really appreciate anything you have to say. I feels like my emotions about this are super intense and I've noticed there are trigger warnings on other posts, so I just want to warn you that I'm talking about SI, how I feel (as much as I can), etc. I would hate for anyone to be triggered by anything I say.

I'm 22 years old and just had my last semester at college, awaiting my grades. I live with my boyfriend.

For several years I have believed that I was depressed. I cut and burned myself in several places over my body. I've thought about killing myself.I half-heartedly attempted to drown myself in the bath once. This may have been the result of the sexual abuse I received from my grandfather when I was 9 years of age to 12, when he died.

I moved in with my boyfriend 2 years ago. He told me that if I continued to hurt myself he would leave me and tell my parents. I really don't want that so I stopped. But the feelings to hurt myself, of worthlessness, of shame, haven't left.

I'm writing now because two weeks ago I broke my promise and cut myself several times. I'm scared of how I feel and how my bf or family will react. I feel like nobody knows me and I'm afraid to talk to anybody I know about it.

I just want to know if there is anything I can do on my own to get over this, what helps you? I can't bring myself to the doctor at school, I'm too embarrassed, and I don't have health insurance.

I've never talked about what happened to me. It's one thing to tell my bf "yeah I was sexually abused so can we take things slow?" So he knows it happened, but I never told him or any one else what really happened, and my family doesn't know about it at all. But I know I can never tell them. My mom would never believe me, and I get a panicky feeling just imagining talking to anybody about it, let alone someone I know. I feel like there is a fist grabbing my insides . . . I doubt I'll ever be able to talk to somebody face to face about it, or about the way I hurt myself. I know it is wrong and can't face my guilt. Sometimes I want to do more than cut.

I know that the number one thing I should do is seek out a counselor, but I also know I never will.

I've looked over the sticky's and noticed a list of things I can do to in a replacement for SI but it just isn't the same, I don't get the same feelings. I've gotten good at putting it off but sometimes when it comes back it seems even worse than before.