The number of variables in causing an illness are also overwhelming. How in the world any Therapy or med can pinpoint the cause is beyond me. When we aren't able to be in touch with the cause ourself so that we can lead them to help us, it's no wonder that there are so many treatment resistant mental illnesses.

For me life was good until I was 42 & lost my career......then wham.....I completely lost it......no one could even grasp that what I went through could possibly cause such an extreme reaction.....major anxiety & major depression reoccurant.....the final dx after several years & many hospital visits to try to determine how such an intelligent person who had their act so together could possibly be so messed up......ah, it was easy, but even I couldn't figure that out.....I could program a computer to do it's thing, but I could't figure out anything about myself.

Then when I finally thought I was getting my act together & "getting over it", I got smashed with another trauma that was even worse than loosing my career.

Don't get me started on meds.......I never understood how meds could possibly help someone who was dealing with depression caused my a situation.....it wasn't a chemical imballance that caused my depression, it was the situation.....so of course, my body rejected the meds......but managed to allow every possible side effect to have an effect on me. Reactions ran from low blood pressure to rigid joints, to the most common which was migraines that ended up in being 24/7 migraines that I am still on pain medication to control. Of course, there was the prozac that caused anorexia....lost so much weight, they thought I was going to die......& of course, they had to treat me for the anorexia & tell me just how my body image was the problem & that I had to get in touch with that inner child that never existed. I realized just how much guess work was involved in the treatment of mental health & how much trying to put people into neat little boxes was also a technique....only problem, I never fit into anyone's need little box.....I never fit into neat little box all my life, I wasn't about to when I was dealing with the mental illness.

You betcha, I was a difficult patient.....I wasn't about to just accept any crap they decided to tell me & then needed to have proof & some solid information to base their suggestions on......that's the way engineering works.....thats the way they had to approach me with this also.....only there wasn't one psychologist that was capable of approaching me in a way that I could relate. This makes sense as to why my depression was so treatment resistant.

It's interesting because it has only been within this last month that my psychologist here is realizing how much healing I have done over this last year.....after completely leaving my past life behind.....leaving my husband, bad marriage, the environment that continually triggered the trauma that I went through 6 years ago.....& all the headaches that my husband has caused in my life.....I am finally able to see some light & have never felt this free of stress for all the 35 years I was married. The interesting thing is that I have also come to a deeper relationship in my Christianity which has made the most amount of difference in my life. For the first time I no longer feel like I am treading water as I was just a year ago. I still have days when I can't function & days when the depersonalization hits when my mind wanders back to the trauma's I have gone through (including my truck being broken into just 3 years ago & having my flute & many other valuable things stolen along with my identity). My life is still full of fighting for what is right against those who have cheated me when I first moved here. I am more able to keep my mind from constantly focusing on the bad thing that have happened in my life & the anger that built up into explosion level toward my husband. Being able to keep my mind from focusing on the bad, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, but it's just not giving it the power over my life that it had before.

Interesting because none of this is anything that I learned in therapy....not sure I ever learned anything in therapy because all it was was my talking without getting any feedback. Ah yes, I remember the empty promises of the therapists when I first started to deal with the depression.....the promises to never quit seeing me until we got the depression under control......then the next week, it was impossible to even get ahold of the therapist again......& the many therapist one right after another what were just a complete waste of time.

Treating mental health illnesses is difficult.....each individual needs to be treated on an individual basis without trying to cram them into a box with all the others of the same DX. From my observation of my situation, it seems like I am able to dwell less & less on the trauma or a situation the more time that passes.....but it always seems like another situation is waiting around the corner to slam into me full force. Things that I couldn't possibly prepare myself for.

All I know is that mental illness is not simple to treat not is it simple to figure out......but it does seem like we need to be the ones that get in touch with what it is that is causing the problem...or at least be willing to open up enough for therapy to help us work through what ever the trauma or issues are, or help teach us how to deal with what we are experiencing & also there is the need for some mental illnesses to have the meds that help keep them stabilized.

The human mind is such a complex thing......we should really feel good at even the smallest of accomplishment in our healing process & we should NOT feel bad if what ever we are dealing with is treatment resistant. It doesn't mean that in the future we won't be able to even figure it out ourselves if we come across the right key, or we come across the right therapist who has dealt with a similar issues or knows just how to relate. It like debugging a computer program that is broken....one just has to take the program through piece at a time & systematically figure out what is going on where to narrow down closer & closer to where the problem exists. It takes a lot of patience & even more persistence & a will to NOT give up because there is always a solution or at least a way to control the outcome in the best possible way.

Don't get discouraged even though it may feel hopeless at the moment. The human mind is so very complex (when trying to program artificial intelligence, I couldn't even grasp the concept it was so complex). I alway had doubt that anyone else could figure out my mind if I couldn't figure it out myself......so you know how much faith I had in psychology.

Don't let the feeling of being overwhelmed discourage you in the long run....one never knows what healing the future holds....it can be a very pleasant surprise.