I see lots of posts that begin with or include statements like this: "I use to..", and "Before this ...."

But I am 50 years old now, and I don't feel any of those things. I never was a happy person, a person with hobbies and fun and lots of friends. So when I think of "getting better", I have no reference point. As far back as I can remember, my life was sad, or troubled, or difficult- never carefree. ALWAYS something disturbing in my head.

Sure, there have been times that were better than others. But always I have felt a hole in my heart. There has never been room for anything else inside my head- it has always been filled to the brim with sadness, regret, worry, and guilt. I would give anything to just be able to live in the minute, but there seems to be no room for it. For example, I have books I do not read, art supplies I do not use. I just can't "lighten up," let myself go, and actually do things that could make me feel satisfied or outside of myself. It's like I am just too busy being miserable to let anything else inside. I am guessing that this is why my memory so often fails me. Does anyone get what I mean?