Ok, so where to begin. Right now, in particular, to add to the usual fare, there are some things bothering me. And I figured I'd maybe put it out there, and see, if I can't find some kind of advice that might help.

One of the biggest things at the moment, is, my fear of death. My head keeps obsessing on it from time to time. And it makes me extremely anxious, uncomfortable, and once a rare while unstable I'd say, just due to that it can make me have a panic attack.

My position is a strange one, having wanted for my life to be over a few times in the past, I've always had this underlying fear of death. I suppose thats why I've never seriously made any attempt on my life. Just thoughts.

I find, that my head, thinks about my not existing, and obviously, it is unknown, and given that I'm not religious, well, my head can't comprehend nothingness, and nothingness forever at that. So it meltsdown a bit I suppose, because it goes a bit "does not compute" "system overload" ect, and leaves me panic attacking. This is an issue that has bothered me throughout my life so far.(I'm 22) I don't have any real answers on the subject. Only thing I know is, it tends to come along sometimes when I'm just not doing very much at all, or don't have very much I want to do at all. Beyond that, I just know I don't desire for people to try and convert me to their religion. As I would not try to convert them.

Beyond that issue. I find myself very mentally tired, I find it a struggle to even hold basic conversation without it seeming like a massive effort on my part. Indeed, regardless of person, I can feel pressured to be interesting, or funny, or whatever, and if I'm just being quiet, I feel like if I'm not, I'm going to be hated, or thought to be boring or the like.. its not something I understand very well, but am aware of its existance.

Physically, I've got a cold, but even without the cold, I was feeling a bit physically weak, I think the mental side, is exterting physical toll. I don't feel like I can handle life any longer, but of course, I'm trapped, by the above, no matter what, it seems I'm trapped, trapped to suffer, whether I've done right, or done wrong... aaah it doesn't make sense anymore.

I'm waffling, sorry out there. I've thought lately of asking someone at a support group in my town, to help me set up a gp appointment for some therapy prehaps, but I find myself too afraid, like a deer in the headlights. I feel if I found the strength, and I got one I could work with, I'd suddenly find myself at 30-40, with a chunk of my life missing, and such an important bit.. bah, this is so hard to make any sense of.

Well, I've tried to explain some, I'm sorry its waffley, and long.. It sucks I know.