I don't know that it's waffling, Bluesummers. You seem to have some serious concerns that deserve attention. While not a professional, and being only a fellow PC member, it appears to me that your fear of death is a bit out of proportion to the actual risk. If you're 22, your real risk of death is tiny, unless you have some terrible physical condition you haven't related. Are you sure you're not really worried about something else and displacing it onto death? That's the kind of question I've been asked by professionals when I've had similar fears.

As to being "mentally tired," that sounds awfully similar to one of the symptoms of being depressed. And your feeling that you have to contort yourself into whatever your "audience" wants to hear or see would certainly be tiresome. You don't really have to do that or feel that, you know. You can be your own person and do as you like and still be respected and cared for. You certainly wouldn't be "hated" or "boring".

Of course you can continue to "handle" life, as you say. And of course you can get help if you choose to, and you should do so if you feel you need it. A conversation or two with a therapist doesn't commit you to a thing, and there isn't the slightest reality to your idea that therapy would somehow shorten your life or take big chunks out of it. Many people from time to time feel quite seriously that something is wrong in their feeling or thinking. And it's quite appropriate to seek and get professional reassurance if you feel that way.

Regardless of all the above, I do hope you have a very happy Christmas and an excellent New Year, as well as recovery from all the things you seem to worry about! Take care.