I don't know where to put this exactly, so any mods can move it if they wish, but I have absolutely got to get this off my chest.

I am so angry right now, reminising on my childhood. I was watching Silence of the Lambs today, and one question Hannibal asks Clarece is what is the worst memory of her childhood. I thought for second, wondering what my worst memory was, and I realized every bad memory had to do with my dad. Then I started thinking about all the horrible things my dad has done. Like, why, if your wife made a mistake, would you rag on her mercilessly for an hour until you make her finally break down in tears and cry? Why would you do that? What kind of person does that to any other kind of person? Why would you lose your temper and chase your small child around the house until you caught her, threw her over your shoulder and brought her upstairs for her 'deserved punishment'? What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think you can really justify wailing on a 17 year old daughter who called you ONE swear word, once? Oh, yea, she 'disrespected you' GOD FORBID she hate you for what you truly are. I can't believe you think you deserve anything, any respect. I hate you so much that you don't even know, and yet I love you too much to let you know. How come on our nice little family vacation you insisted upon being such a **** and and then, for some reason, wake us all up in the middle of the night becuase you were beating the %#@&#! out of the bed? How come I had to scream at you to stop? Why couldnt you have ANY SELF CONTROL? Then, to add salt to the wound, you had to go outside and make mom go with you, just so you could yell and wake everyone else in the campground up in the middle of the freaking night. Yelling, screaming, making sure the vacation was ruined. How come I never got the chance to just come home and relax, instead of worrying when you got home, what kind of mood you'd be in, and if you would take it out on me? How come everytime I started to trust you again, to think you had truly changed...you proved me wrong every single time? Do you think maybe, one day, I can have a conversation with you where you don't make me feel like crap by letting me know I could more things, better things, harder things, perfectly? I'm going to a top notch university, im making great grades, i ask you for nothing. god i have to wonder why you couldnt just be normal.

and you, mom, why couldnt you divorce him? you left him once, why couldnt you follow through? i want to hate you for it but lord knows i love you way too much. ill always remember the look on your face when i, swung over his shoulder, begged you to help me and you stood there looking just as helpless as I was. you, my poor sweet mother, just another victim of his rage and carelessness.

im sorry, guys. i just don't know how to keep hating him and loving him at the same time. he's not a bad person, but he is. he doesnt mean to get so angry, but he does. i want him to know what he's done to me, how he's affected me in my now young adult life. control was all he ever wanted, and apparently, it's what he's got because ive recently realized how much he controls my everyday life even though he is now hundreds of miles away.

god, i hate you so much.

i love you.