Thanks Sugahorse. I think I can hold off on the pdoc for now. I've done some journaling and pinpointed several possible causes of the depression (yeah, there is usually more than one reason).

I didn't think Christmas time would affect my mood since I don't observe but it creeps into everyday aspect of everyday life from the travel, stores being so busy and then all of a sudden them all being closed on Christmas. Mail seems to take longer to get. Forget everyday shopping this time of year. Travel is crazy. The news is filled with reports of holiday travel. It starts slows builds to a fevered pitch and then on the evening of the 24th everthing stops dead. When I was little I use to look out my window and see no traffic, empty parking lots (as if a human only bomb went off and everyone went bye bye for a day or too, as a child, this was genuinely spooky to me). Sometimes my favorite shows don't come on because of all the Christmas shows (no, I don't have cable).

The messy house I think is just a result of me being so busy. I think I'm gonna make a list of stuff I really need to do today house cleaning wise and (the petfood shipping), last minute grocery shopping I need to do now for enough food to get through the weekend (can't deal with Christmas crowds) and I usually only shop for 2 - 3 days tops. So even though I don't observe, it's like I have to get ready for a 4 day stop gap. I'd hold off and do it during that spooky period, but I can't stand looking at the mess and I can't fuction in a mess like this.

I feel a little more motivated today out of anxiety, but at least the motivation is there.

I'm probably premenstral right now as well.

One thing that has helped, is knowing there is a reason for some (or all of the depression). There is less anxiety to know why I am feeling this way.

I guess this year, I just kind of tried to put Christmas out of my mind, but it's on tv, it's in the Christmas lights.

I also had a bad experience a few years ago on Christmas and sometimes it comes back to me. The way I was treated by my ex and her family when I went to share their Christmas with them. I brought my menorah to celebrate Hanukah and they treated me as if I were some kind of alien or something. My also proposed to me a few years ago and I announced our engagement to my ex's family. After I annouced it (she proposed to me with a ring and everything) to her family, you could have heard a pin drop. Only one person out of 30 congratulated us. It was horrifying. I was like, if she wasn't going to stand up for me when I annouced our engagement, why did she even ask me? Why did I have to hide who were? Why didn't we deserve to have a small toast durring the holidays. Even went to church with her. Her mother actually said "won't the Jewish church excommunicate you?" I was like huh? What are you talking about? Because I go to a Church to celebrate with a family, this would be frowned upon? When I lit my candles, the looks on their faces was like I was practicing some kind of evil ceremony or something. I felt numb and then hollow the rest of the trip.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share that I am making progress on working through this depression.

Comments and support are really welcome right now because, yeah, although I have a lot of people in my life, I feel anxious and upset this time of year.

Thanks for reading this and I hope I didn't offend anybody but I just had to share.