Hi Omers,

My t did say that if i needed to, we could check in by phone. I find that i'm reluctant to do that though. She needs her time off. She has wanted me to practice bringing her up in my mind, and getting comfort by imagining her there, so i guess that is what i'll do.

I had the idea of bringing my h today on my session, and even told my t i was going to. I told her since she was going away, i didn't want to get into anything heavy and wanted to just shut everything down until after she gets back next week. So i thought i'd bring my h and just talk about couple stuff. But i know in my heart i'd be mostly using him as a diversion to avoid talking about my own feelings right now. My fear is that if i bring my h and let them talk about stuff (which is what usually happens, and i feel left out), then it will be another 2 weeks before i see my t, and then i am going to feel even more disconnected from her than i do now.

It has always been hard for me to keep myself open and vulnerable enough in therapy -- and trusting -- to do the deep work. And any kind of wrench thrown into it, whether it's a missed session or a misunderstanding, kind of sets me back. It's hard to explain. It's like walls start going up. If i am not constantly working on keeping those walls down, they automatically start to rebuild themselves. I don't want it to be that way, but i can't seem to help it.

My t is good, and we've worked together for several years now. But I've been hurt so badly in the past that I am abnormally guarded. Whenever i start to feel too much anxiety or i get an abandonment trigger or perceived rejection or just get too in touch with my feelings so that i feel overwhelmed, then part of me shuts down inside and i lose that sense of connection, not onlly with my t, but also with myself. So that i start not knowing what i feel, or i don't feel anything. I am not sure how to keep that from happening, because like i said, whenever it does, it seems to get in the way of the good therapy work we've been doing.

I feel like i am not being clear or explaining things well. I think that i am triggered over something, and it makes it hard for me to think clearly. I know my parents are coming to visit in a couple of days. I didn't think i was stressing that much about it. But maybe my t's leaving twice this month is triggering memories of all the times my parents left us alone at night and went out, and didn't come back when they said they would. Or my mom's business trips, or the times she'd put me to bed in strange bedrooms at parties, and i'd wake up and be lost and not know where she was. All those things mostly took place from age 2 to 8. It's that whole scary feeling of not knowing what to expect, feeling like there's no foundation there under you. Almost a dizzy, kind of unreal feeling. And i'm sure very little of it has anything to do with adult me and adult t. But it's what t is doing that is reminding me of traumatic incidents in my past. And it makes me have trouble staying present.