My post was a couple of days ago .. thanks for your replies ... I do on occasion take a test - to monitor my thoughts ... i do not do that often.
Turns out .. those reults were right eventhough i wasnt feeling it at the time .. it only took one triggering phone call today for all those feeling to surface .. actually it took an hour afterward but regardless.. each time it hits like this it gets harder to see through .. evidently what i have relied on during the past events weakens. I probably need to learn new techniques. ... I am not on medication for depression because it makes everything worse.. I am not in therapy because I have been feeling so well for the past year and a half .. balancin this on my own so to speak.