Well, dawnhopeful, it sounds as if during your childhood you received conflicting messages from your mom and dad regarding religion and its importance in your life. And it also sounds as if those conflicting messages have stayed with you into your present life. You actually have more than two choices, though. You could choose any level of formal Jewish observance, of which there are now quite a few. Or you could stick with your prior ideas about organized religion not being a great thing and striking out on your own. To me it seems that you need to think seriously about what kind of a God (if any) you really believe in, and then think about what kind (or level) of worship is appropriate in your own eyes. This is not necessarily a short-term proposition. People have spent many years coming to this kind of decision. But in my view everyone has to start out by deciding what and who they really do believe in, and why. A lot of the other decisions just flow from that one. Take care!