Dear Queen,

This is the first time I am coming across your thread.

I read your first post on it now and the last page.

Your first post - well - I can hear shock and panic and confusion and fear. I am so sorry. It was a scary, awful and dramatic experience. He could have killed you. First know that your reaction is completely normal.

I understand that you now left him and there is a court process. Are you in shelter with your baby? Is the baby his? Is the hearing for an injuction or also to prosecute for the abuse?

I would like to congratulate you for leaving and for taking positive action for your own well being and safety. Its very very hard to leave relationships like this. Some of the stuff you wrote are so classic - the guilt, the confusion, the questioning of oneself and wondering if you are crazy, the fear, the panic and the need for reassurance, the need to believe that the man you loved is not a bad person, the need to believe that its not all over...

The truth is - that a lot of what he told you (without me knowing him) is lies. Its not about controlling his behaviour. Its about his own belief system and his own perceptions, his own emotional abilities and motives.

Abusive men view women as their possession. They are driven by control and power and any (even small) challenge (or what they percieve as challenge) to their control, power and rules - is a good enough justification for violence, emotional abuse and verbal abuse.

I am glad to read that you are being careful. The statiscs show that 75% of severe violence happen when the woman is trying to leave or leaving the man. Most happen post separation. I read of stories where the guy did not adhere to any court orders and tried to kill the woman. I am not saying this to scare you. I am saying this to warn you.

I do not know where you live but different countries have different services in place. Are you seeing a counsellor? if not - its worth starting. What you are dealing with is tough - like you said - you are dealing with the trauma, with the grieff over the loss of your relationship, with low self esteem and with all the confusion that relationships like this cause.

I know - I am in a similar situation to you. I left my partner after he was violent. After a period of working on things while I stayed away - I could see that it will never change. That he will never change and will never be able to give me what I need. So I moved to a house - not telling him - and when I did tell him that its over, that I am moving on and that I want to collect my stuff from his house - he became scary and angry (on the phone). He now prevents me from coming to collect my stuff. I am worried that he will find me. I bumped into him in the middle of the street the other day and the more I think about it - it was not a coincidence. So I am being very very careful.

I have been reading a lot about abuse in the last year - a good book is 'Why does he do that: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'. Another good book is 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship'.

I know its hard. I keep reminding myself that the hardest bit is done - leaving him. But every day is a struggle... Just do not feel guilty for staying all that time - some women never leave...

Hugs x