it's really convoluted for me and I get a lot of emotions at once that I just can't seem to understand or deal with. it's like somebody is squeezing me around the middle, sometimes just thinking about certain things or people or being out around peoples does this, it feels like I can feel my heart pounding trying to get out of my chest, like it's too big, and I'll start shaking, and it's like whatever is inside me is ripping me apart and I feel worthless and worthless for me to keep living, and I feel guilt for things that have happened and ashamed of the person I've become and I picture all sorts of ways to hurt myself but I know death is the end of everything, not a solution, and I so I just stick to cutting or burning not the things I picture doing bc I know I won't come back from that. but even just the burning and cutting makes me feel empty, and the thing growing inside feels like a big ball of nothingness. I try doing other things like taking and ice cold shower like I'm trying to freeze myself but once I get out of the shower I get warm again.

I guess that person was right in saying I dont really want help unless I go see a professional. I guess I don't really bc I don't know how else to stop myself from going crazy and never coming back, and I guess realistically I don't actually believe I deserve anything better than the pain I cause myself, I deserve it and more. sometimes I just think and think and think about it and I want to so bad.
I'm not sure what to do anymore but I know I won't be able to keep cutting and hide it from my bf, and that scares me too.