So I was talking to the wife again today and told her about some of my thoughts and she said I am crazy and I need help. She said if I put here through that same hell again she won't be able to take it again. I wonder sometimes if she isn't just looking for a reason to leave. I wonder why she has stayed this long. Why would she want to be with a madman. I try to keep it together because I don't want her to leave. I can't tell her my thoughts anymore. I need to just keep my crazy thoughts to myself.