Thanks BPD2. I don't feel courageous. I feel dumb for opening myself up to her. I just want her to understand. But the more I open up to her the more I see her pull away from me. She is so scared it'll be like it was before. I can't help who or what I am. I try to control myself. I tell myself That my behavior is destructive but that not always enough. I haven't told her how worthless I feel. She already tells me I need help. She gets so mad. Her hole demeanor changed when I talked about thoughts. It wasn't anger but she seemed hostile. I feel myself sinking again. On top of that I have a cold so I Hallmark double grumpy right now. I yelled at my son for goofing around. He didn't deserve that. I am soo stupid. I hate myself. I have blades hidden that she doesn't know about and I keep thinking about them. I don't want to go but sometimes it I still think about it. That's what I told her. That I still think about it a lot. She got real hostile and I felt the room go cold. I don't mean to put her thru so much but I am truly clueless of what to do with myself. I don't think I should drink at the party. Some times I can drink and be alright but I am pretty sure I'll end up ruining every thing again. I'm good at ruining things. Seems like all I'm good for anymore is screwing everything up. Why am I so stupid.