Last week I had my session and it will be a month until the next. Our schedules just did not coincide to meet sooner--we've been meeting every 2-3 weeks lately. The session was good but I felt a little unsettled after--kind of bittersweet. I think we are winding down. I think back to my first T (the one before my current T): when we had our last session, I didn't know it was our last session. It just turned out to be. Maybe that will happen with this T too. I don't want to make a big deal about terminating--winding down gradually and deliberately, reviewing our progress, etc. That would be too much for me--it would feel like I was closing a door. It's a month until the next session, but probably longer, as my schedule winter quarter will be busy and unpredictable and I'll probably have to cancel once I learn my schedule. So it will probably be a long time until I see T. And then if it is so long, and I do fine after weeks and weeks, then why go? Would that say that I don't need to be in therapy anymore?

We shared some joy at this session, over events happening "out there" in an area of shared interest, and this is so wonderful to see. So we were happy about this. I have been trying to make a connection with a professional in the community to help with a project, and T has provided a name. In session, he called this person up and told him about me, and the guy was interested in helping! Even enthused. I think this is going to work out great. T was so happy after the call that he said, "this calls for a hug," and he bounded over to my couch and I opened my arms to receive him. It was very nice to share our happiness with a hug. We have never hugged me in the middle of a session like that--if we do hug, it is always at the end. T reminded me of an enthusiastic Labrador retriever, bounding over to me like that. I like how if he is happy, he just lets it out.

After session, we walked out together as T was on his way elsewhere. We were walking through the cafe on our way out the building, and I slowed because I was going to get a coffee, and when T saw I was stopping, he turned to me and we shared a big hug right there in the middle of the cafe. That was kind of cool.

I am not really feeling like I miss him right now, but maybe I do. Maybe that's what this post is saying? What I feel is a comfort knowing he exists somewhere out there, if that makes sense. Kind of a background "warmth" in my life. I do wonder, though, what will happen to us? I don't want to lose that warmth, but maybe it would continue even without seeing him? Saying it is over might make that go away, but if I never say we are "done", if I never officially terminate, then maybe that background comfort and warmth could continue. Like I could "trick" myself into thinking I was still in therapy and still have that good feeling in my life.

Thanks for listening, PC friends.