a friend of mine (some of you may remember M, from my group?) is in the hospital with complications following an outpatient medical procedure. She wants me to come visit her.

How do I tell her that I won't come see her because she's in the hospital I was in so many times when I was overdosing? She's in the CCU where I was on life support 3 times in 3 months. Not only am I ashamed to go there, afraid someone will recognize me, but I'm also afraid of being triggered. I don't think my T would like me saying that, because being afraid of being triggered is no way to live, but it's how I feel. I'm emotionally vulnerable, it's the holidays, and T is far, far away. I don't want to push myself any further than I am already.

I just feel really guilty about it, I don't think M understands and I don't know how to communicate it to her. She is very, very ill and I know she doesn't have many people in her life to visit or call. I had a dream last night that I read in the newspaper that she died, and it was really sad.

But. I still don't want to go to that hospital. I can't even make myself call her there, although I did google the main number, so I guess that's something.