(((((((((((PC)))))))))))))))

T e-mailed me yesterday. He knows just the right words to say to bring me back to an "I'm going to be okay" place, and he said them, and it helped. And he helped me understand why what is happening is so freaking difficult, and that helped a LOT. Like...I'm not CRAZY, my reaction totally makes sense.

Even after I got his e-mail, I was having a hard time, so I finally called my sponsor (I'm in a 12 step program) which I almost NEVER do...I can ask T for help, but it's still scary to apply that to other people sometimes. Anyhow, she was on her way home from work, so she invited me to come over and sit in her hot tub and talk for a few minutes. Normally, I would say "no way", but I knew I had to get in a better head space for my kids, if nothing else. So I went. We sat in the hot water and talked and I was only there for about 30 minutes but I felt cared for and loved and like my feelings mattered, and I was able to get it together enough to come home and be a good mom.

Today is Friday. Something is happening today that will be really hard (the thing that triggered me in the first place), but once I make it through that, it will be tomorrow, and then I'll see T on Monday.

I'm just going to try to stay out of my head and soak up as much of my kids' Christmas joy as I can.