I had a moment of clarity today and I thought I would share it and perhaps it will help someone out there (something I'll be sharing with T of course)....

I received a Christmas Card from my T on Thursday. On the outside of the envelope seal was an A+ sticker on the outside (in my most recent appt she pointed out how I always need to have approval from others to feel valued).

This morning out of nowhere I had this moment of clarity and everything 'clicked'................

In school/college I would stop trying after I got an A in something. An A for a grade on a project for a class. It was my proof to myself that I am good enough, worthy, or OK and that's all I strived to know. Once I had that feeling I felt the need to not try or strive for anything more (that included maintaining good grades). When the feeling of being valued or OK went away then I would try for an A on another project. Nothing outside of that feeling of being valued mattered. That has become crystal clear to me now.

I sometimes wonder what I could have been because I didn't try like I should have. I can't however dwell on the past but I can now only look forward and put 100% into what I like and see what comes of that. I believe that if we all do what we truly enjoy in life then we will succeed ( a little luck never hurts either ).

Perhaps me being an artist is something I never felt comfortable labeling myself because I don't feel worthy or my motives weren't pure enough. Perhaps I feel like I was just a person trying to get my feelings out and art made that possible. I could put my feelings out there on paper and no one could argue with it or tell me I was wrong or even know what the feelings were behind the art (that is until college and getting critiqued by professors) . What mattered was putting that energy out there. The bonus in all this is I was considered 'good at it' so it made me feel even more valued and validated.

I hope no one finds out my secret.

Thanks for listening.