Wise,

I know how difficult it is, going through the feelings you are experiencing. My career was over after 15 years, & being an aerospace firmware engineer was my whole identity other than being a flutist. Unfortunately, with technical jobs, when you are out of the working world for even 6 months, it is almost impossible to go back....things change so fast...I got left in the dust when it went into years of being unemployed.

I do remember one job I got layed off because the Air Force stopped the contract. I had moved into our new home, just had my knee reconstruction surgery, having PT 3 days a week & PT on my own the other days on top of working 70+ hours a week. I must have been going on adreneline not realizing how burned out I really was. I immediately went out looking for a job & had an offer within 2 weeks. When I thought about going back to work, I broke down & couldn't stop crying (now that really wasn't the tough me). I actually turned down the job, telling them I needed a little more time to recover from being exhausted. I told them I would check back when I was ready to go back to work & see if they had anything available then. That really surprised me that I would actually turn down something like that. I did go for unemployment to cover me until I was physically ready to go back to work..thinking it would only be a few weeks. I think it actually turned into 2 months to recover. I know through that time, I just couldn't think either.....like my brain had stopped working when my job stopped. I was wondering what was going on in my mind that was making me feel like that. I had so many fears as the time went & just couldn't feel like going back to work (a brain tumor, the beginnings of altzhimers). Things finally worked out to take a job that would keep me busy until a known project got funded at a previous company I worked at. My brain actually started working again.

If is makes you feel any better, what you are experiencing is normal after pouring yourself into your "career". Don't be surprised at how long the ill feeling may continue.....let yourself feel that way for as long as it goes on......it will pass when you really are ready to go back into the working world when you are no longer exhausted. Your body will let you know when the time is right....& don't worry that it won't. I have learned over the years that my body is pretty good at letting me know what it needs.....& the recovery time that it needs without pushing. The last time when I knew my career was over for good was a very difficult time & ended up going through some horrible mental times with the depression that came from realizing that my identity was completely gone. I couldn't imagine ever finding any other identity since all my schooling was focused on the career, then my career started immediately after graduation for 15 years. I still am working on finding a place for myself after 11 years....but have now not given up like I had for about 10 years after going out from the anxiety & depression.

Don't be hard on yourself now or in the future.......listen to your body telling you that you have gone through so much lately, both emotionally, physically (with the pain), & mentally (trying so hard to hold down your work along with everything else that has been going on in your life. Let the unemployment hold you over until you are ready to go back (when ever that happens). There are ways of making it work even if you actually get job offers that you aren't ready to take yet. Take care of yourself first of all. You have gone & are going through so much.....you need some time for yourself....that is what your body is telling you right now. Relax & try to keep the worring to a minimum as much as possible.

Reading what you are experiencing takes me back to the the feelings that I have gone through myself. I really feel for what you are going through......wish I could help some, but hope that I can maybe say a few words that can comfort you & let you know that what you are going through is normal for those of us who have put so much into our careers. I am glad that I was able to provide you with some comfort in my previous response. If you care to PM me that would be great. I will PM you my email, so if you care to share the letter or anything else for more privacy.

Take care of yourself......you are a wonderful, caring person & I'm sure that all the people who around you IRL know that & will return the caring that you have provided them for so long.